Often, it’s said, “I match energy; I’m just giving them what they gave me; etc”; but as a believer in autonomy (i.e. freedom from external control or influence; independence) and being more responsible for my own mental/emotional/social wellbeing… I simply can’t align with the ideology that another person gets to dictate how I show up, behave, and/or respond… I can’t give that power away to another person; not anymore. Now, is it appropriate to assert oneself to address negative and/or disrespectful behavior/interactions? Yes. This is where self-awareness, self-respect, and self-discipline play significant roles though. See, the operative word is: “self”. So, while it definitely takes time and intentionality, it’s possible to face difficult/challenging experiences and encounters with healthier communication, boundaries, and resolve. Another thing to consider regarding protecting your energy is the benefits and/or challenges of accepting responsibility for the actions/behaviors of others. I encourage many of my clients to reflect on their tendency to be overly-responsible for how people treat/interact with them; heavy emphasis is placed on recognizing that people tend to treat others in accordance to how they feel about themselves. As I reflect, in this moment, on experiences when family, friends, coworkers, clients, and strangers have handled me in less than desirable ways, I recognize that I automatically assumed responsibility for the treatment being delved out to me or I reached emotional peaks that influenced me to “get order”. All this said, I’d like to share a few suggestions on ways to practice mindfulness and maintain more autonomy of your energy:
First, check yourself… Are you in a space (mentally/emotionally) to have an assertive conversation/exchange with said person/persons?
Second, take a moment to breathe and exhale before responding. Be careful of impulsive behaviors and dialogue… especially, if it may add more fuel to the flame.
Third, if you recognize you may be too emotionally charged to respond/engage so that you are effectively heard and not just seen, communicate the need to respond at a later time. It’s appropriate to request an intermission before continuing an encounter with someone, if possible.
If you are able to take a breather, gather your thoughts and consider your motives and the role you desire to play.
Do I need/want to be right? Am I concerned about seeming weak? Am I standing up for myself? Do I need them to feel me/where I’m coming from? Do I want a resolution? Am I looking for vindication?
The answer(s) to these questions can aid you in discerning where to place your energy and/or how to protect it.
Lastly, you have the right to protect yourself and honor your own worth, but that doesn’t mean that others always will. So keep in mind that you don’t “clean dirt with dirt”, every negative experience/encounter doesn’t deserve your energy, and it’s OK to address challenging situations while maintaining your integrity, self-esteem, and energy.
