A few sessions ago, my therapist and I were discussing the status of my home decorating efforts, and I expressed that I still hadn’t bought a rug for my living room… while it was an innocent enough topic to engage in dialogue about, the conversation got deeper as I revealed that I’ve never bought a rug for anywhere I’ve lived before; primarily because I’ve always had to move/relocate, especially during my childhood. As we began to process further, she helped me to recognize that my desire for a rug for my new home, but lack of action to purchase one, was reflective of my lack of stability over the course of my life… the rug, for me, was representative of stability, security, staying-power; and even after two years of living in my home, I still had not given myself permission to rest in the stability my husband and I had worked so hard to secure in purchasing our home. So, in true therapist fashion, my therapist gave me homework… buy the rug. She encouraged me to set aside funds to begin decorating my home in a way that felt good for me and my family. Sooo… I did. I bought a rug from Walmart, and I was legit very excited and giddy when it finally arrived. My husband helped me place it and arrange the sofas on it like I wanted, and I beamed with pride. It felt good under my feet, and I began to imagine how I would coordinate my curtains and pillows to match the aesthetic in the living room.
In my true nature, I began to reflect on that particular session, the homework that was assigned, and what stability meant for me; like how I could define a concept that felt somewhat foreign to me…
During my childhood, my mother always kept a second job in order to provide for my brother and me, and, while we never had to live on the streets or places not meant for human habitation, we moved quite a bit. Sometimes in an apartment, renting a house, or living with family. I recall a time when my mother was attempting to provide a long-term housing option for us by finding a rent-to-own home, and after 12 months of paying at this property, she received a notice that we had to vacate the home within 30 days due to the home’s owner defaulting on the loan which caused the home to go into foreclosure. She was devastated, confused, and had to figure out how to pivot in order to find other housing means for us… watching her go through the challenges of single-parenthood, with minimal support from others, influenced my belief that stability and security were not attainable and/or were for other people, but not us.
Fast forward to 2025, I’ve done the grown-up things: college, grad school, marriage, home ownership, moved momma in with me (because I want her to experience stability and security that she won’t have to move again when the bottom falls out), and I still had been harboring my own unconscious beliefs that stability was a farfetched idea… this belief is an example of how our individual core beliefs show up, even in discreet ways like avoiding “simple” things that can help us feel rooted and planted. My core beliefs were influenced by previous life experiences that were indicative of a need to be ready to pack up and transition, whether I wanted to or not. My core beliefs taught me that stability is hard-earned, often evasive, and was tangible for other people, but not my little family. My core beliefs also reflected a self-conscious view of my worth in comparison to others… and those beliefs, while based in lived experiences and perspectives, were hindering, limiting, and self-deprecating. They weren’t based on healthy thinking, gratitude practices, appreciation for my journey and my present life, and those beliefs ignored the efforts taken to reach one of the very things I’d always longed for.
Sometimes, it helps us to take inventory of our journey and our “now”, define/redefine what stability means for us, and move in that direction. It may mean developing a simple mantra of worthiness (e.g. I am worthy of good things happening to me/for me/in me/ around me) and meditating on that mantra until it sinks in. It may look like leaning heavier into gratitude practices, doing vision boards (so you can see it before you see it), practicing mindfulness to keep you present, choosing to embrace positive thinking, trying therapy (for additional tools), and even making tangible investments in whatever your definition of stability is… that said, sometimes you need to “buy the rug”.
-Jenn
