As the year 2024 comes to an end, I am filled with both, gratitude and a sense of fatigue. I am truly grateful for the many blessings, new opportunities, and possibilities this year has afforded me; alternatively, I have to acknowledge the weight, gravity, and challenges this year has posed as well. As I reflect, a statement from my therapist continues to resonate with me, “You know, Jennifer, often times, when you come into this space, many of the issues and concerns you’re trying to process/address aren’t really even yours”... and I just cant shake the feeling that I have been too empathetic, too receptive, and too inviting to issues, actions, and needs of others that are beyond my scope of management. In essence, I believe that I have allowed too many people in my life to bring and/or dump their life matters in my lap and walk away feeling freer, while I’m feeling the weight of my life’s dynamics and theirs too. So, what does my self-preservation encourage me to do? “Mind your business… stay in your lane”; that’s what I hear myself prescribing. For clarity, I don’t believe this thought to born out of malice, but more so out of self-preservation. Reflecting over this year, I can vividly recall times when I held space for some of the people I love and care for, while not having the same space held with them. I have felt the familiarity of feeling, both, full and empty at the same time, which is not the version of me I endeavor to operate in. I have found that I’ve lost sleep, noticed an increase in anxiety symptoms, been physically ill more often, and have not had the energy to actively pursue and/or prioritize my own personal/financial/mental/spiritual goals.
Is it anyone’s fault that they find safety in confiding and depending on me? No; I don’t believe there is villany in that. However, I must acknowledge that, historically, a major part of my self-identity has been based on much people need, trust, and rely on me. It helped to lift my self-esteem and sense of worth… it gave me a sense of purpose… but now, I’m tired. I no longer find value or a sense of fulfillment in that role. I have reached a point of soul exhaustion that compels me to break away from those codependent patterns of behaviors, to grow more into my own person, to give people their lives back to manage more independently, and love and offer support when/where/how I realistically can. At this point in my life, I no longer find it healthy to be a martyr to others, while they live and make decisions that sometimes need consequences instead of rescuing. I am learning that I can love people authentically, while honoring my humanity and my own boundaries.
So what does this have to do with you??? Nothing and, possibly, a lot. I believe that many human experiences are shared and can have some commonality. I also felt motivated to share this think-piece to solicit self-reflection, self-awareness,and self-accountability. My late grandmother used to say, “You can’t get blood out of a turnip”, and I absolutely get it now… It’s not always feasible or realistic to give what you don’t have. It’s always important to check your motives to see if your help, support, rescuing, fixing, and encouragement is fulfilling a need for your ego (which is NOT a villain) or comes from a space of capacity to do so. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I do want to encourage you to check your metaphoric engine light in this regard.
Take care of yourself!
-Jenn
